Story 2: FOOLS RUSH IN
Author’s Note: It’s fun to have the three chatter and banter together.
Illustrator’s Note: Announcer Kunieda is standing in front of a screen showing weather conditions for the town (at night), and there is also some kind of murder crime scene that happened. Ichiho-sensei complimented me on the Tokyo Tower, and that made me super satisfied. I also loved drawing the long cat.
First published in 2015 in the doujinshi FOOLS RUSH IN.
Translator Note: This story takes place after Volume 2 of “Yes, No, or Maybe Half?” and after the doujinshi story “Imitation Gold.” There is a spoiler in the author’s note for the spinoffs, so I have omitted the lines for now. I will edit the lines back in with spoiler boxes after I reach the point in the spinoffs.
Part 1: FOOLS RUSH IN
—–Translated by daydrop. Please read on the original site at daydrop.nowaki.net.
When he woke up, the ceiling was farther away than usual. Hnn? He stirred in his sleeping position, but the squeaking sound of his clothing against the cushioning underneath him told him that he wasn’t in bed. The view of his surroundings did look familiar, however— Oh, this was just the first floor. He had fallen asleep on the sofa. Thank god it was a season he couldn’t catch a cold out here.
Why am I downstairs? He tried to put his brain into full operation, but he had a splitting headache like a metal ball had gouged itself into his forehead. He slowly sat up and was hit by a dizzy spell. This was without a doubt a hangover. He tried to search his memory banks. The latter half of the night had turned all fuzzy, but this was Ushio’s house. There was nothing to worry about. If there had been a third party with them, he would never drink all night until the next morning. Even if he had lost all faculty over his sense and reason, he would never run amok and wreak havoc. He was Kunieda-san after all.
Anyway, where was Ushio? Did the fact that he was sleeping alone downstairs signify that a terrible fight had broken out between them or something? —If that had happened, Kei was sure he would remember something like that. The only thing he could truly confirm was a calendar that showed that today was Sunday. Well, whatever, he just had to ask and find out. As Kei climbed each step of the stairs still feeling woozy, weirdly the dull pain inside his head swelled and receded in time with his feet. This was probably the first terrible hangover he had ever had in his life. He seriously drank far too much last night. There shouldn’t have been anything particularly good or particularly bad that had caused him to drink so heavily.
Ushio was sleeping peacefully with a throw blanket over him. That part of it was fine. But there was another human-shaped lump distinctly sharing the thin blanket with him on the bed. And scattered on the ground was very obviously more than one set of clothing.
The interloper slowly opened his eyes, fixing his focus on Kei, as he let out a loud yawn.
“Ah, Paisen, good morning~”
Kei took a deep breath and smiled. Then he used his well-trained vocal cords and screeched, “What the fuuuuuuuuckkkkk!?”
“…I just felt the entire house shake. Scary.”
“I feel like Kunieda-san’s shrieks could even wake up Higurashi-san.”
“You know, on Kochikame…”1
Ushio and Tatsuki were just chatting nonchalantly in the same bed.
In the same bed!!
“Who the fuck cares!?”
“Oi, stop yelling. People are going to think I’m keeping Godzilla as a pet.”
“Why the hell are you two sleeping together in just your underwear!?”
They seemed to have finally realized the condition of their attire, or lack thereof, after Kei pointed it out to them. They both uttered a Huh? in unison, and their synchronicity made Kei’s anger flare up again.
“Ah—…” Tatsuki scratched the side of his stomach. “Tsuzuki-san, were you gentle with me?”
“Hmm, I can’t be sure that I was.”
“Okay, you’re dead.”
“Wha, wait, wait, Senpai! You have a crazed look in your eyes.”
Tatsuki retreated back against the wall, probably detecting the impending danger to his person, and babbled, “Nothing happened!”
He paused and continued, “Well, honestly, I don’t remember anything from last night. Why were we sleeping together anyway?”
“I have no memory of last night either.”
Even Ushio said something utterly unhelpful. Kei glanced over at the sink and saw empty cans of beer, empty cans of chuhai, and empty bottles of wine, whiskey, and shochu. Huh? Did three of them really drink all that last night? Scary.
“Oh, hmm, so maybe we did…? Maybe I should have you take responsibility for it~”
“Is that really what you want?”
“Well, you never know what life brings you, you know~? You like me quite a bit, don’t you, Tsuzuki-san~?”
“Quite a bit? Well, if I have to choose between like and hate, I would say that I like you.”
“But that would make you like everyone in the world, I feel like~”
“I don’t know. Aren’t you the same?”
“Oh, that’s true. We have a lot in common~ Maybe we would be good for each other? Maybe we should be a couple?”
His voice could be raised from the depths of hell, if Kei could say so himself.
“What the hell are you chattering about? I’ll smash a wine bottle over your head.”
“Geez, Kunieda-san, don’t get so worked up~ It would never happen.”
Kei knew that.
“If we were gonna do it, it’d be weird if it’s not a threesome~”
“You’re the fucking weird one!”
“So where did you end up sleeping?” Ushio asked.
“Oh, my~” Tatsuki commented.
“Don’t give me that look of pity!”
“Hmm~ How about we try to figure out what happened last night?” Tatsuki suggested, squirming around as he put his clothes on. “Let’s see… I suggested that we stay in and drink, so I arrived here at 7 last night.”
That was right. Ushio had suggested that they treat Tatsuki to a meal for all the worry they had caused him with Kei’s amnesia incident (not that they needed to). Kei didn’t want to go out to eat, so they agreed to meet at Ushio’s house. Tatsuki had laughed when he saw Kei, “I can’t believe that’s what you normally wear at home, Kuneida-san,” and their little party kicked off.
“We just had normal, harmless conversations, right?”
So how did things end up this way in the morning? Was it just simply they got hot after all the drinking, and they took off their clothes before falling asleep? Then why was Kei the only one downstairs…? The three of them sat around on the floor with their arms crossed, and Ushio let out an “Ah.”
“There’s that. How could we forget?”
Ushio pointed at a small video camera sitting on the folding table that he had set up for the party (more or less).
“Oh, your GoPro. I remember that we talked about you buying it.”
“Yeah, yeah, Ol’ Nishikido-san was nice enough to recommend it.”
“Oh, a GoPro~ So cool~ Got any sex tapes on here?”
“Nope, I just got it in the other day.”
“Don’t say it like you plan on filming some!”
“Oh, you want to film one now? I’ll man the camera~”
“Can I take a look at it? …Whoa, this is tiny! It’s so light. I want to try strapping it on my head for a skydiving segment or something~”
“Yeah, yeah, you should do it. With no parachute.”
“Huh, are you telling me to die?”
Now Kei remembered. He was pretty sure a conversation like that had happened.
“Hmm, I remember filming something last night.”
Three sets of eyes fixed their gazes on the hand-sized camera.
“There’s footage of me and Tsuzuki-san…”
“There’s no fucking way!!”
Kei smacked the back of Tatsuki’s head. Even if it was a joke, what pissed him off pissed him off. Ushio checked the camera and said, “Oh, there’s something on here.” He went downstairs to retrieve his laptop and played the footage for them on a large monitor. Kei knew that there was really, really no way that they had done it, but he had no recollection of his own behavior last night. His heart was racing, and before he knew it he had reached out to pause the video.
“What are you doing?”
“…What would you do if you weren’t really thinking but you got to second base?”
“That pretty much applies to me and Paisen, so now we’re all even. Like the separation of powers of the three branches or something? It’s all good~”
Everything was nonsense and lies coming out of his mouth.
“What he said.”
“Nothing happened back then, okay!?”
“Anyway, it’s faster to check the physical evidence instead of sitting around speculating. If you’re too scared, you don’t have to watch.”
If he was going to say that, then not watching was obviously far scarier. Kei pressed the play button himself. The three of them leaned in towards the liquid crystal display.
The video started with his own voice.
“You’re rea~lly terrible at thi~s… Now wa~tch! This is a chopstick shot! You gotta bring it up to your face without blocking yourself. And viewers can get a feel for how big it actually is.”
For some reason, Kei was stressing this importance while holding a piece of tuna sashimi (if he remembered correctly, Tatsuki had bought it at a department store food hall) with his chopsticks.
“Then when you go to ta~ste it, you have to put it all in your mouth, and if it’s too big, you have to calculate beforehand which part you want to bite into. Grains can dry out your mouth and make it difficult to speak, so I always take a much smaller bite than you’d expect. Got it? …Let’s go ahead and try a pie~ce.”
Kei faced the camera and in went the sashimi. He looked completely smashed.
“…Oh yes, it’s very fresh with a wonderful richness from the fat. …Okay, this, this is where you’re really tested. If you give your impressions right after you start chewing, people are gonna think you haven’t even tasted the food, but if you take too much time enjoying yourself, the viewers are gonna get restless. You need to be persuasive, but you gotta get the timing down so you don’t get yelled at for being a time stealer. Laugh at a second, and you’ll cry in a second.”
“Oh~ This is totally useful~ Totally useful~”
Tatsuki roared with laughter in the background.
“Let’s make this into a DVD~”
“What do we do for bonus footage?”
“Behind-the-scenes shots of Announcer Kunieda~”
“We’re not making a damn DVD!!!”
“…Looks like Master’s giving us a lecture on how to do a tasting report.”
“Quit it! When you call me “Master,” it sounds like a seedier part of the industry!”
“Okay, Big Brother, then~”
“There’s no difference, dammit.”
It seemed like Ushio had been filming on and off over the night, and the footage cut out. The next shot was of Kei wobbling on his feet saying, “Bathroom…,” as he disappeared downstairs. There was some chatting for a while—things just to fill the time.
“…Kunieda-san’s taking his time, huh?”
“I’ll go check on him.”
Ushio placed the camera on the table. He went downstairs and returned pretty quickly.
“He’s passed out on the sofa.”
“Should we carry him up?”
“No, he’s sleeping pretty well. He’ll probably complain if we wake him up, so let’s just leave him there.”
The camera sat at an angle that showed both Ushio and Tatsuki in the shot. Tatsuki then suddenly started humming.
“Luululu, lulululuululu, lulululuuluuluuluulu~ …We have the filmmaker Tsuzuki Ushio-san as our special guest today. Hello, good afternoon.”
So he’s Tetsuko now?2
“Oh, good afternoon.”
“I’ve heard some rumors on the grapevine that you’re quite an amazing person. I believe that you’re dating a TV announcer? Oh my goodness~”
“It annoys me how much you sound like her…”
“Uh, you’re really asking that right off the bat?”
“I would love to hear what kind of person they are.”
“Let’s see, I would say they don’t hide anything behind a mask…”
“Goodness~ Now that’s a big, fat lie~ Let’s go to a quick commercial break.”
These two chuckleheads were such gigantic buffoons. Ushio went up to the camera, and the screen went dark. Apparently he had stopped the recording, but it wasn’t the last of the video.
They loaded the next one.
The camera showed an empty shot of the floor. Only the bottom part of the bed was visible in the frame, and no one was around, however…
There was the sound of a very familiar creaking over the speakers.
“…Here, like this.”
It was Ushio’s voice.
Followed by Tatsuki’s voice. The hangover sickness occupying Kei’s skull cleared up in an instant, but he didn’t feel any better.
Oi, oi, oi. What the hell? What was with the strained, labored voices!?
“How does this feel?”
The bed creaked uncomfortably, and Tatsuki’s voice went up in pitch.
It couldn’t have happened, right? Kei felt like he would lose all his strength in his wrists and elbows resting against the floor. No, no, no, no, it couldn’t be, it couldn’t be, it couldn’t be. What should he do? He didn’t want to see it, but his voice didn’t work and his body wouldn’t move.
Kei heard Tatsuki’s voice screaming loudly.
“Ow! Ow! That hurts four times more than I had imagined!”
“You apply pressure to the ankle and the pain goes right to the shin. Hurts, right? But if your opponent flips you over like this, it reverses the direction of the pain back to yourself, so you gotta be careful.”
“Oh, now I remember,” Tatsuki said. “I said I couldn’t execute a figure-four leglock very well, so Tsuzuki-san showed me how to do it. We tried to film it, but we totally messed up the shot.”
“And this is why camera rehearsals are important.”
The two of them nodded at each other, and Kei smacked the back of their heads one after the other.
“Don’t do something so misleading!!”
“Wha? Kunieda-san, don’t tell me you were thinking of something dirty again~? Maybe you’re feeling sexually frustrated?”
“No, I’m pretty sure he should be good.”
“You two can shut your mouths.”
“Now I’m all hot after that exercise.”
“Oh, how about we play a stripping game~?”
“Do we really get anything out of it if it’s just the two of us?”
“No, no, but it’s pretty fun. I have an app that shows hard-to-pronounce phrases at random, and if you mess up, you have to take something off.”
“That puts you at an overwhelming advantage.”
“It really does~ I played it the other day, and the girl ended up completely naked with just a scrunchie around her wrist~”
“Wouldn’t you normally take the scrunchie off first?”
After bantering back and forth, they started playing the game in the end.
“North Korean cargo-passenger ship Man Gyong Bong.”
“First domestically-produced passenger jet aircraft.”
“Kyary Pamyu Pamyu.”
“Sodium-cooled fast reactor Monju.”
They were already slurring their words, and they immediately tripped over the phrases. Every time it happened, they would laugh like idiots and strip off a piece of clothing. T-shirts, belts, and socks fell and littered the floor.
“New Year’s Chanshon Show, ahh…”
“You tripped up. New Year’s Chanson Show. Oh, I got it. I win.”
“Wha~? I heard a tiny bit of a slip-up on Chanson just now~!”
“Nope, I got it… Anyway.”
“Oh, me too~ I’m totally about to crash~”
Ushio’s feet padded across the floor. He picked up the camera and turned it off. There were no ending scenes or credits, just the end.
“Yeahhh, alcohol’s pretty scary stuff, huh?”
Kei didn’t have the energy to snap a witty retort (well, he was glad that nothing had happened), and he collapsed weakly on the floor. It was all so stupid.
Tatsuki went home. Kei felt like his hangover had lifted, but he drank a bunch of water anyway and crawled into bed. He was exhausted from the godawful commotion at the crack of dawn.
“Oi~” Ushio peered down at him.
“I’m sleeping. I’m sleeping to make up for all the hours you left me alone on the sofa.”
“I could have carried you up, but I was afraid of dropping you on the stairs. Would you have preferred if I tied your hands and feet to a pole and had Minagawa help carry you?”
You want to carry me like you’re going to roast me on a spit?
“What are you angry about?”
“Oi, don’t tell me that you seriously think something happened between me and Minagawa.”
“…Well, you did say that you liked him if you had to pick one.”
“You know if you say that, the list would be endless.”
“Oh, so I see. You like everyone and anyone, don’t you?”
“Well, there are all different ways of liking people. Don’t you have all different ways that you hate them?” Ushio smiled wryly. “It’s not that I’m a good person. Plenty of people annoy and bother me, but the box that I reserve for my hate is incredibly small, and I don’t feel the need to put people in it if I don’t have to.”
The hand that reached out to touch Kei’s cheek felt strangely ice-cold.
“Because when I hate someone, I really, truly hate them.”
Kei looked at Ushio, but Ushio didn’t seem like he was looking at Kei.
“They could die and I wouldn’t feel a thing. That’s how deep my hatred is.”
Kei’s hands moved on their own to cover Ushio’s mouth. It surprised Ushio, and he mumbled a “What?” Kei was relieved to feel warmth in his breath.
“…Don’t say something like that,” Kei muttered.
“Even though you’re always saying stuff like that?”
“Yeah, I say it. I’ll say it now, and I’ll keep saying it. But not you. Don’t say it.”
Because you don’t feel any weight lift off of your shoulders when you say it, do you? But it’s not like I know who’s inside that small box of yours.
Ushio caught Kei’s wrists and laughed. Lips pressed down on his own, and Kei quietly accepted them.
They tangled their lips for a while, and Kei complained, “I said I’m sleepy.”
Ushio gently nibbled his ear and whispered, “My pride’s on the line. I have to work harder after hearing that sexually frustrated comment.”
“I wasn’t the one who said it…”
But the hands rolling up his T-shirt no longer felt cold. His chest filled with a heat hotter than his body, and when Ushio rubbed his nipples, they pebbled under his fingers.
Redder and harder, the fingertips teased him, showing just how sensitive he was there, the lust and pulses carving all throughout his body. Ushio ran his tongue around the tender edge of a nipple and caught the aroused little nub between his lips.
Ushio sucked hard at the spot, and Kei’s body naturally curved upwards, familiar with the pleasure, begging for his touch. However, Ushio only followed the curve, tracing the dip along his back, the sensation different from what Kei had expected, toying with him. All of a sudden he sank into the sheets again, the supports holding him gone, and Ushio worshipped his body with his fingers and tongue.
“Nnh, nghh, ah, ah…”
Ushio bared him from the waist down, just like his chest, exposing his arousal as fingers found their target with soft and hard strokes. Kei was steeped in a desire that filled him inside and out, but a sense of something different, something out of place creeped into a corner of his mind.
It felt like Ushio was orchestrating something, leaning excessively back towards the wall against the bed. It wasn’t just him being careful, trying to avoid putting too much of his weight on Kei. He was spreading his body at an unnatural angle, almost like he was putting him on display for someone—
His eyes met with another’s. It wasn’t human; it was the camera lens that sat on top of the table where they had left it. It was placed at more of an angle than before, probably capturing the full shot of the bed from a slightly low angle… If it was on. The word “sex tape” floated ominously into his mind. Kei had thought that Tatsuki’s dirty jokes were only just tongue-in-cheek, but…
“…Oi.” Kei grabbed Ushio’s shoulder and grilled him. “The camera’s not recording, right?”
Ushio said nothing for a full five seconds and flashed him a grin. “Of course not.”
“It’s recording, isn’t it!?!?”
“It’s not, it’s not.”
That was when Kei realized something and cut off his words.
“Oh, I got it.”
“You’re really not recording anything, you’re just pretending you are so that you can trick me. The red light’s not even on. The power’s off.”
“You figured it out, huh?”
“Don’t think you can always mess with me.”
Kei basked in his victory, gloating, “In your face,” and Ushio ran his hands up the side of Kei’s torso, giving a much different smile than before.
“Well, it’s easy enough to turn off the light in the settings.”
“You don’t want the reflection when you’re filming glass or something, right? Cameras are so nice and convenient nowadays~”
“…Hey, hold on.”
Kei tried to push himself up from the bed, but his arms were pinned to the sheets.
“I told you, it’s not recording. You said it yourself. I’m just teasing you by pretending that it is.”
“Let me go check it!”
“No way,” Ushio declared heartlessly and devoured Kei’s lips once again—as if he was showing them off to someone.
A perfectly circular, artificial eye sat housed in a rectangular body with rounded corners. It was highly polished, illuminating a rainbow ring similar to a human iris in the low light. It captured the precise details of the world more brilliantly, and therefore more cruelly, than the human eye ever could.
For example, this scene of himself with his legs splayed in the air, swallowing a man’s cock inside of him.
“Nnhh… Ah, aaah.”
He was liable to forget that this was even happening, but the sound attacked his ears. That was why at the very least he tried to keep his voice restrained, but then Ushio promptly and relentlessly tortured the spot that made him lose all control of himself.
“No! Noo, stop… the camera… nghh.”
“There’s nothing to stop, okay?”
Ushio lifted Kei’s leg by the wall—in other words, the one furthest away from the camera—raised it up high, and poured his thrusts and pleasure where they were connected.
“Like I said, it’s not recording.”
“You’re lying… Ngh, ahh, nghh!”
The hard tip of Ushio’s cock nudged mischievously at his inner walls, the spot where he throbbed and ached, drowning him in pleasure. Ushio attacked it again and again, his thrusts growing harder and stronger, and Kei could do nothing as his upper and lower mouths moaned shamefully.
“Aaah… Ah, ah.”
Kei had already come once, but his cock hardened once again and drooled under Ushio’s touch. Ushio teased the reddened little head and continued, “You’re really turned on by this.”
“Stupid, I’m not… ngh.”
“Really? Your body seems happier than usual— Like right here.”
Ushio pinched a nipple, almost translucent with fire.
“I did think it would be harder to do this with one hand occupied, but maybe a handheld is the way to go? Yeah, there will be some blurry shots, but it does make it feel more real.”
Ushio thrust into Kei with quick, short strokes and added, “Hypothetically speaking, of course,” sending Kei into another panic.
“And I’m not recording.”
What was really the truth? Kei couldn’t think about the question at the moment. Ushio was right though. Just the hard light from the tiny lens scorched him, plunging his body into a deeper ecstasy than normal.
The thing driven deep and full inside of him started pulling out with ease.
His hole showed its displeasure by clenching up tight, and Kei could tell he was completely smeared with lube down there. Ushio turned Kei’s body sideways, held up his knees, and thrust in from behind him.
Ushio couldn’t thrust as hard in this position, but now Kei was spread wide open in direct sight of the camera, and his embarrassment skyrocketed.
The cock skillfully exploited Kei’s weak spot, making him moan so sweetly, even his sense of hearing seemed to cease functioning.
“Because it’s capturing it.”
“The place…where you’re entering me… ngh.”
The place where he accepted Ushio, spreading him full and huge, his rim needy and obscene rubbing up together.
“It’s not a big deal, is it?” Ushio whispered, running the tip of his nose behind Kei’s ear. “I’m the only one who will watch it. I’ll never let anyone see it.”
“I’ll watch it when I’m lonely and you’re not around, with my headphones on. And I’ll zoom in on all the different places watching you.”
Ushio used his fingertips to tell Kei where all those different places were. Places he had only let Ushio touch.
“Ahh— Noo… Nnngh!”
“I’ll replay it a hundred times, two hundred times, memorizing your voice, your face, everything.”
“No, I said you can’t.”
Kei couldn’t answer the question with Ushio rocking into him. He didn’t even know if he was filming him or not. Or if Kei really hated it or not. Ushio could be ravishing him over and over again with his eyes, even after he finished fucking him.
“Ah— Ah, aaah… I’m gonna… ahhh…”
“Go ahead. Come all you want. But don’t shoot all the way to the camera.”
He wouldn’t shoot all the way there, but when he imagined white spunk covering the clear lens of that eye, it felt so dirty—he felt so dirty—and it thrilled him so much that he shuddered.
When Kei got out of the shower, the camera was already put away, and now it was Ushio’s turn to shower. Kei started his search without bothering to dry his hair. Where was it? Kei hadn’t taken long to finish his shower, so Ushio couldn’t have had time to hide it anywhere elaborate. Kei did think that maybe Ushio had already moved the data over to his computer, but if he did, he would have left the camera out.
He checked under the bed, the closet, the refrigerator… Found it. It was above the sink in a cabinet where Ushio kept the pots and colanders jumbled together.
He checked the display on the back of the camera, and it was paused on a shot of Ushio. It was self-shot with him facing the camera, so it couldn’t have been from when they were having sex.
Kei pressed the touch panel to replay the video.
Ushio opened his mouth.
“Oi, what are you expecting, pervert? I told you I wasn’t recording it.”
“…Dammit, you piss me off…!!”
But his heart was stolen by the all too knowing smile on the screen, and he stared up at the ceiling in frustration.
Why do I always fall for everything he does?
In more ways than one, even.
Ushio spoke as Kei searched for the delete button.
“Even without filming any of it, I remember everything.”
But, yeah, I remember everything too.
And Kei could hear his boyfriend humming happily all the way from the bathroom.
—–Translated by daydrop. Please read on the original site at daydrop.nowaki.net.
- Kochikame is comedy manga about police officers stationed in front of a park. Higurashi-san is a patrol officer who is always asleep.
- Kuroyanagi Tetsuko is the host of the long-running talk show Tetsuko’s Room. The show is the first talk show on Japanese television, and it’s still running today.